I've never really got on that well with my family. Partly because they're not always the best people I've come across, but I fully accept that partly it's down to my erratic and horrid behaviour when I was ill.
BUT
I've never really had a good relationship with them - even before I became ill. And after months of therapy, my therapist made me realise that my family were a big factor to the cause and trigger of my illnesses, especially my bulimia and anxiety.
The other day, I was working with a new lady at work. She was telling me about her life and it really inspired me. She's been dealt some pretty shit cards by life, yet she's still very positive and has the most amazing outlook on everything. I was casually talking to someone else about how the majority of my extended family really don't like me and the new lady said she was shocked I didn't get on with them and that I seemed like the type of person to have a great relationship with my family. This sparked a conversation about everything over the past few years and the lady (sorry, I'm trying not to use her name for anonymity!) said that it sounded like it was just because I was different to the rest of my family- I spoke up about the things I didn't agree with and they didn't like that. Quite a few people have said that before and I've always totally dismissed their opinions because I felt like they'd naturally be bias towards me. But to have someone who I'd only known a few hours come to that conclusion after having a pretty deep chat with her, made me pull some pieces together and see that maybe there is some truth in that judgement. Yes, it's definitely not the only factor to it. But I am a lot different to them all, and I did used to be so outspoken about everything which they made me believe was a bad thing and after the abuse that went on- I stopped being the gobby little loud mouth I used to be. Recently though, I've regained those outspoken traits that disappeared when I was ill. Hopefully, I'll never go back to the gobby teenage ways I used to have, but I'm glad I'm speaking up and regaining my voice again.
Something happened this evening that brought all these thoughts and realisations together. I spoke up about something I did not agree with. And my family really did not like it. And for about 10 minutes, I felt like the most worthless person in the world. BUT- I've pulled myself out of that. I don't feel like that anymore. I refuse to let people make me feel worthless and wrong just because I don't agree with what they're saying/doing. Not anymore, never again.
X
