Heading towards a cancer diagnosis

Over the course of the past few weeks, I've been on one of the scariest rides life has ever put me on. I've spent a lot of it trying to come to terms with the possibility that my Mum has cancer, and that I could possibly lose her. 

Long story short, when I went home from Uni at Easter, my Dad picked me up from work one evening. This is unheard of for my Dad. On the car journey home he told me that over the past couple of months, my Mum hadn't been very well and it had reached a point where an intervention was needed and she badly needed to seek medical help. This through me off guard and I was a bit worried/concerned/confused, but I wasn't feeling any extreme emotions because me being naive, I hadn't realised the true seriousness of the situation. In brief, my Mum had been losing a lot of blood, and I didn't realise how much or how badly it had affected her as I wasn't around to witness it. 

Fast foward a few weeks and a few tests later; the conclusion was that my Mum had an abnormal cyst on her ovaries but the cause of the bleeding was from her womb. Shadows and linings showed up in an ultrasound which then led to her having a biopsy. That's when it hit me. At first, I totally overreacted and was bracing myself on how to cope with life after my Mum's death. (ridiculous, I know). My Mum of all people, was the one to console me and bring me back down to Earth to deal with the situation logically. We still don't have the biopsy results, but some more scans and blood tests results have come back and it's looking pretty positive that whatever it is making my Mum ill, it's not cancer. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I am so grateful. 

This whole situation has taught me so much and opened up my eyes to what other people are going through. I cannot physically explain how scared I was feeling when for those couple of weeks it looked like a cancer diagnosis was heading my Mum's way. So I can't even begin to imagine how other people and their families are feeling when they hear that news. Even just today, so many people will have been given a cancer diagnosis and will be experiencing all the emotions I felt and more, and on a much larger scale. I care for cancer patients and witness what they themselves and their families are going through and I always thought I had a good idea of the emotional pain they're in. I was wrong. I had no idea. It's one of those things you don't fully understand until you're directly affected by it. And I haven't even been directly affected, I was just one step closer than I used to be. 

When you're different to your family

I've never really got on that well with my family. Partly because they're not always the best people I've come across, but I fully accept that partly it's down to my erratic and horrid behaviour when I was ill.

BUT

I've never really had a good relationship with them - even before I became ill. And after months of therapy, my therapist made me realise that my family were a big factor to the cause and trigger of my illnesses, especially my bulimia and anxiety.

The other day, I was working with a new lady at work. She was telling me about her life and it really inspired me. She's been dealt some pretty shit cards by life, yet she's still very positive and has the most amazing outlook on everything. I was casually talking to someone else about how the majority of my extended family really don't like me and the new lady said she was shocked I didn't get on with them and that I seemed like the type of person to have a great relationship with my family. This sparked a conversation about everything over the past few years and the lady (sorry, I'm trying not to use her name for anonymity!) said that it sounded like it was just because I was different to the rest of my family- I spoke up about the things I didn't agree with and they didn't like that. Quite a few people have said that before and I've always totally dismissed their opinions because I felt like they'd naturally be bias towards me. But to have someone who I'd only known a few hours come to that conclusion after having a pretty deep chat with her, made me pull some pieces together and see that maybe there is some truth in that judgement. Yes, it's definitely not the only factor to it. But I am a lot different to them all, and I did used to be so outspoken about everything which they made me believe was a bad thing and after the abuse that went on- I stopped being the gobby little loud mouth I used to be. Recently though, I've regained those outspoken traits that disappeared when I was ill. Hopefully, I'll never go back to the gobby teenage ways I used to have, but I'm glad I'm speaking up and regaining my voice again.

Something happened this evening that brought all these thoughts and realisations together. I spoke up about something I did not agree with. And my family really did not like it. And for about 10 minutes, I felt like the most worthless person in the world. BUT- I've pulled myself out of that. I don't feel like that anymore. I refuse to let people make me feel worthless and wrong just because I don't agree with what they're saying/doing. Not anymore, never again.

X

Turning Points

I think moving to Brighton was the best thing I've ever done for myself. However, when I came home at Christmas, I was still really unhappy. Whenever people would ask me how things were going I'd tell them how great it was- but it was so draining because I felt like I was lying.

Last week I came home again. And again, people asked me how things were going. And once again, I told them how great things were. But this time, I didn't feel like I was lying. Don't get me wrong, I could still give you a list of negatives as long as my arm, but I'm not as overwhelmed by them and it gives me the chance to appreciate the positives. I'm still missing my job more than I can put into words, and I'm still absolutely desperate to just drop everything and to go and travel the world, but right now- I don't think staying in Brighton will be such a bad thing.

X

Pushing Yourself

Somewhere in Brighton

I've learnt a lot about myself over the past couple of years, and I think one of the most beneficial things I've really learnt is that the best way to overcome something is to just throw yourself in the deep end and do it. It's something everyone always knows is the best thing to do, but more often than not we don't actually push ourselves to go ahead and do it.

So many things fill us fear and we shy away from them because we feel like we're not good enough or that other people can do it better. And yes, there will probably always be someone better than you but that doesn't mean you're incapable. I've been in a lot of anxiety-provoking situations lately and I've had no choice but to push myself and keep going. These situations haven't always turned out successfully but a lot of them have and if I'd have carried on running away from the situations that scared me I would never have achieved things that I'd told myself I couldn't do.

These situations usually arose by chance - situations that were totally out of my control. I didn't deliberately put myself in them, they just kind of happened. But over the past couple of weeks I've subconsciously been creating my own anxiety-provoking situations, situations which scared the hell out of me but I was the person who made them happen in the first place. And as much as it exhausts me and sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing, I'm so glad I've ended up doing it to myself because I'm now doing things I never even dreamed I'd be strong enough to do.

I have no idea what the point of this post is, but there you have my 3am ramblings.

New beginnings in Brighton

Long time no blog. (What's new).

I moved to Brighton just over a month ago to study at uni. I spent many months undecided whether or not this was the right step to take - after my gap year my desire to travel has tripled and deep down I know I want to become a nurse. However, I wasn't ready to give up on music just yet hence why I am now down in Brighton.

I've met so many people since I moved here - some absolutely lovely people and some not so lovely. Obviously, my anxiety has become a lot easier to deal with otherwise I wouldn't be here- but this past week or so it's really come back with a bit of a vengeance. I think this is why I'm blogging it - because as lovely as some of the people are here, they don't get it and I can't really talk to them about it without the usual "but you seem so happy", "maybe you should do more in your day","I totally understand what you mean" kind of comments. There's so many confident, attractive, well-dressed people and I think it's knocked my self-esteem. Which is a pain the ass considering how long it took me to build it up- but I am determined to not let it ruin things for me and to build it back up again. The past week or so I've been having similar thought patterns to when I was bulimic- I've not acted on them and I'm doing everything I can to stay on track.

Even just writing this has made me feel so much better because I don't feel like I'm bottling it up, trying to keep the way I'm feeling hidden. So if you've taken the time to read this and listen to me trying to piece together my thoughts, then thank you! & if anyone's been in a similar situation and has any advice then please do get in touch.

Moving On

I've written this post about 56,474 times and each time it ends up being about 100 pages long. SO, I'm going to have to be very blunt, and use the wonderful power of bullet points to get my point across briefly.

• I just nearly deleted my blog because I don't want a beauty dedicated blog anymore.
• I decided not to incase I ever wanted to post something beauty-related.
• Then I realised I don't need to have a label attached to my blog.
• So basically, Sparks of Serenity is not longer a beauty blog (although I'm sure the odd beauty related post will crop up)
• My life has changed a lot over the past 12 months. 
• I finished treatment for my anxiety and depression. 
• I'm actually LOVING my job now - it's probably the best thing in my life.
• I've just travelled Australia. 
• And I've just quit my job (yep, the one I love) so I can go to uni to study a subject that's totally unrelated to where I want to end up. 

So yep, in brief - this is where I'm at right now. I want to carry the blog on so I can document these big changes that are about to happen. 

So please bare with me... 

One Night In Italy by Lucy Diamond

On the 9th of August I tweeted, "Just started reading this... anyone else read it?". Attached was the picture below, of the book One Night In Italy by Lucy Diamond. I've FINALLY got round to finishing it this week.

Whenever I blog about books I always want to reiterate that I'm never writing a book review. I have no idea how to write a book review, I have attempted them many times and to put it bluntly; I am shit. So this isn't a book review. I'm simply summing up the book because I feel it's worth a read, and so anyone who likes the sound of it, can go and read it too.

The book follows the lives of 3 characters: Anna, Catherine and Sophie. They all meet at an evening Italian class Sophie starts teaching, when she comes back home from travelling for a few years because her Dad is ill. Anna is wanting to find her Dad- whom she believes is Italian. And Catherine has just found out her husband has been cheating on her and wants a divorce, and because her 2 children have just left for University, she takes the Italian course to make use of her free time. It's a very uplifting story about friendship and how your friends can make your life so much better. It involves break ups, fraud and travel. I particularly liked Sophie's storyline about her travelling and the people she'd met along the way. There's character in this book which I think most women could relate to in one way or another- and it also shows how age is nothing when it comes to friendship. It's a very charming book and I'd definitely recommend it! A feel-good, easy read.

I'm shit at reading books but once I get into one, there's no putting it down! So if you have any good book suggestions then please do let me know.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend,
Charlotte x