Next phase of life - turning 20

I turned 20 a few weeks ago and I struggled with my birthday more than I usually do. I've never really liked my birthday as the extra attention makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. But since my Grandad passed away a couple of years ago, its made the whole birthday situation a whole lot harder. My Grandad and I were only a week apart with our birthdays, and we always had a joke about us both being Taurus' (hence the stubbornness!). My birthday had turned into a reminder that he was no longer here. Also, on my 17th birthday was when I was at rock bottom. It was the first time I took to drugs to try and cope, and I was very very close to ending my life that day. 

Anyway, moving on from the doom and gloom - I wasn't crying non-stop needing to be coaxed out of bed this year, like I usually am on my birthday. I got up. I cried. I got dressed and I got on a train to Brighton. I saw my friends and I went out. I made a conscious effort to keep going. But something just did not feel right. 

After reflecting and piecing my thoughts together, I have realised that turning 20 was actually a pretty big deal to me. Turning 20 (in my head) means that I'm in a new phase of life. I'm not a teenager anymore. SO much is going to happen in this decade. And my Grandad won't be here to witness any of it. He was around in the last phase of my life, but wouldn't be in the next. He's already missed out on me moving out, getting a job, going to uni, being discharged from treatment and travelling to the otherside of the world. But that's okay. I might not be able to call him up and tell him about the next steps of my life, but I'm pretty sure he's around somewhere able to take it all in for himself. 

Again, I have no idea what the purpose of this post is. Just something I need to get off my chest. X