death time limit

5 years ago was a very significant day in my life; I lost someone very close to me. The day of their terminal cancer diagnosis a few months prior, was the start of the downward slope I've been slipping down over the past few years. I can pinpoint that day as the last time I was truly happy.

There have been times I thought I would never get over this particular death. I don't think death and losing someone is something you can particularly 'get over', but it's definitely something that becomes a little bit more bearable. Grieving is cliche central, because it really is a matter of one step at a time and I truly believe the main thing that will help heal the emotional pain, is time.

Something I have found very hard throughout, is the way it has also affected the people around me. I can handle myself struggling, but I struggled to watch the people I love struggling. It's a bit of a head fuck seeing your Dad lying on the living room crying out for someone who will never step foot through our front door again. Or your Mum unable to stand up because her emotional pain is so unbearably excruciating that her only option is to lie in bed sobbing. As time has gone on, I've not witnessed these painful moments as often as I did at the beginning. I kind of just assumed that I never would again.

But today I came home from work unexpectedly early, and walked in on a scene that broke my heart. My Dad just sat in the living room crying. It's a weird weird feeling seeing your Dad cry. My Dad is someone you'd class as a "stereotypical man". The only time I've ever seen him cry is throughout the aftermath of this death. But even now, I find it so hard to get my head around. But I don't think I should find it hard - I've spent hours upon hours crying about it, so why shouldn't my Dad?

Like most of my posts, I'm not sure what the purpose of this one is. Sorry. X